Anticipatory Grief

About a month before Pearl passed away, I reached out to Marianne Soucy, an animal communicator based in Copenhagen. Pearl had been seriously ill, and the veterinarians had given her about six months. I found myself living inside something I had never experienced before: anticipatory grief.

Anticipatory grief is the quiet, complicated mourning that begins before death arrives. Your beloved companion is still beside you, still breathing, still part of your daily life — and yet you already know that goodbye is approaching.

I wanted to find a way to prepare my heart spiritually for Pearl’s transition. Marianne offers what she calls a sacred spiritual journey, where she connects with animals and shares the messages they want their humans to hear. I wrote the following poem while living inside that strange and painful space between presence and loss.

Anticipatory Grief

Since September,
the world learned how to tilt.

Pearl was given six months,
and I was given a new language for pain:
anticipatory grief—
the art of mourning someone
who is still breathing beside you.

A borrowed time, they say,
a gift.

And yes, I am grateful—
grateful in the way one is grateful
for a candle in a storm,
knowing it will still go out.

In Persian we say:
مرگ یک بار، شیون یک بار
Death once, mourning once.

But I was never given that mercy.

I have been grieving daily.
I have been practicing goodbye
in slow motion.

I searched for voices that understood—
found a woman in Copenhagen
who walks between worlds,
who listens for animals on the other side of fear.

She met Pearl where I could not go,
and sent her words back to me
on January 18.

They were soft.
They were unbearable.

They came with a sign:
an angel, a white feather.

That same day,
Iran burned on my screen—
our youth, our future, our bones in the street.

And in the middle of a massacre in Iran and algorithms
a stranger posted a white feather
and wrote about goodbyes.

Coincidence, they say.

But later, on our walk,
Pearl stopped—
not to pee, not to play—
just to notice.

I looked down.

A white-gray feather
on the pavement of seven featherless years.

Even my neighbor said,
“This doesn’t happen here.”

Neither does this version of me.

Now I cry before finishing sentences.

My eyes wake up swollen,
my face a stranger in the mirror.

I carry grief in my throat
like a second spine.

And still—

I hold institutions together.
I protect jobs that are dissolving.
I teach.
I serve.
I chair.
I organize.
I perform stability like a profession.

Last week I missed a meeting.
The first one in my life.

I didn’t rebel.
I didn’t choose rest.

I simply… disappeared.

My mind went blank
like a field after war.

This is where I am:
not broken,
but translucent.

Not alone,
but unbearably lonely.

Living in the space between
a dog who is still here
and a country that is not,
between white feathers
and mass graves,
between duty and collapse,
between holding everything
and being unable
to hold myself.

This is grief before death.
This is love with no expiration date.

This is me,
learning how to breathe
in a world
that keeps saying goodbye
without waiting
for me to be ready.

CY, January 27, 2026

Marianne later told me that Pearl is an unusually wise and powerful soul.

For twelve years, Pearl has been my سنگ صبور — my “patient stone.” In Persian storytelling, the sang-e sabur is the stone that silently receives your pain, your secrets, your tears. You speak to it until one day it bursts, releasing the weight you have been carrying.

People have come and gone in my life, but Pearl has been my constant. She has been more than a dog. She has been my witness.

And perhaps that is why the grief feels so immense.

A Message from Pearl (click here)

A month before Pearl passed away, while I was already living inside anticipatory grief, I reached out to Marianne Soucy in Copenhagen and asked for what she calls a Sacred Spirit Journey.

At the time, Pearl had been seriously ill for months. The veterinarians had given her about six months. I was trying to prepare myself spiritually for the inevitable.

Marianne later shared Pearl’s message publicly in her podcast and blog. In that message, Pearl speaks about love, reassurance, and the deep bond that remains between animals and the humans who love them. The message is gentle and comforting. At its heart is the reminder that our animals know how much we love them, and that the love we share with them continues even as their physical life comes to an end.

One of the lines that stayed with me most was the reassurance that animals do not want us to carry guilt or regret, but instead to remember the love and joy that existed between us.

That message arrived on January 18.

It came with something else that I did not expect: a sign.

Marianne told me that an angel and a white feather appeared during the journey as symbols connected with Pearl. Later that same day, while walking Pearl, she stopped suddenly—not to sniff, not to play—just to pause.

When I looked down, there was a white-gray feather on the pavement.

My neighbor later said something that startled me:
“Feathers don’t really show up here.”

Maybe it was a coincidence.

But grief has a way of opening us to meaning in ways we didn’t expect.

Grieving Pearl: When Loss Arrived

When Pearl passed away, I did something very different from my usual instinct.

My natural response to pain has always been to withdraw, to retreat inward and process things privately. But the day she passed, I made a different choice. I had written her tribute during one of our ER visits a few months earlier, so I posted it immediately.

That decision carried me through the first unbearable day.

The comments from friends, colleagues, former students, and even people who had never met Pearl created a circle of care around me. Message after message reminded me that I was not alone in my grief.

That outpouring of love helped me survive the shock of the first hours and the first night.

It taught me something important about mourning: grief does not always have to be solitary.

Outpouring of Love After Pearl’s Passing

Pearl Yaghoobi
July 17, 2014 – February 16, 2026

Tribute

In loving memory of Pearl, my sweet girl, loving companion of 11 years and 7 months.

From the moment I met you, my sweet Pearl, on a Wednesday afternoon on September 22, 2014, I knew you were special. I fell head over heels in love with your adorable face and stubborn charm. I even named you right there, my Pearl. I couldn’t sleep that night, and the next day, I couldn’t wait to bring you home — which I did on Friday, September 24, 2014. From that day on, my life changed forever. You taught me how to care and nurture you! It took us a bit to learn how to communicate with each other, but once we did, I knew your every move! You quickly became more than just a pet — you were my confidant, my best friend, and my family.

You came into my life at the right time and saved me through so many storms! You were there when we moved states, five houses, flew to Los Angeles 11 times, tenure and promotion, many book launches and so many talks, lots of friends and celebrations in our home, a few heartbreaks, and more. You were my rock, you were my constant! You were God’s blessing when I needed you, and I was honored to have been entrusted with you!

Despite your health struggles, you showed such strength and resilience, and your spirit remained unbroken. You taught me so many lessons in just that! Even during the final weeks, when your legs were failing you, you didn’t want my help. That’s how independent and headstrong you were! I’ll never forget the words of an emergency pet nurse on one of our many trips: “Pets with health issues pick those who will fight for them.” I felt honored to have been chosen by you. And I fought for you to the end, Pearl, until loving you meant letting you go, even while it broke my heart to pieces!

Pearl, my sweet girl, I’m forever grateful for the rare and profound love and connection we shared. Your gentle snuggles (which were rare), playful moments, and loving presence brought me immeasurable joy and comfort, even on the toughest days. I was never alone because you were there! You also made sure that I made friends with all the other dog lovers on our walks and elsewhere, including your loving and kind vet, Dr. Webster and his wonderful team! You loved humans more than dogs. I’ll treasure the memories of our adventures, cozy nights in, and all the love we shared.

Rest peacefully, my sweet girl. I’ll love you forever, and I’ll never say goodbye. Until we meet again!

Friends, I’m heartbroken beyond words! If you see me without my signature smile, know that I am holding a grief too large for words, shaped exactly like love!

If you had met Pearl, please share a few words!

Messages and Memories

Sorry for your loss.

Sorry to hear that, Claudia jan.

A sweet recap of a wonderful life. Take care and so very sorry for your loss.

Oh no… I am so sorry, Claudia.

I am so sorry for your loss. Pearl was so sweet and a wonderful companion. I know you are feeling this loss deeply. Sending you a hug.

I’m so sorry for your loss, Claudia. Hang in there.

I’m so sorry.

I am so sorry you had to say goodbye. She was so lucky to be loved by you.

I’m so sorry for your loss, Claudia jan.

Sending you lots of love and hugs, Claudia, so sorry to hear about Pearl.

Sorry for your loss. She’ll be missed here. Sending you big hugs.

Sweet Pearly Girl! She was so loved by you. You gave her the best life any pet could ask for. She was the most energetic and loving pup every time I visited her — she definitely kept me on my toes trying to keep up!
I’m so very sorry for the heartbreak you must be feeling. Our pets really do become our family.

Oh my goodness, Claudia Yaghoobi joonam! I’m so very sorry for your loss. I know how much Pearl meant to you and what an amazing person you were to her. I know there are no words that can properly comfort you during this very difficult time. But please add me to your list of supporters and know I too hold you in my heart. I will light a candle in her honor. Love you azizam. I’m here if you need anything.

My condolences.

Sending you big, big hugs, Claudia.

I am so sorry for your loss. I did not have a chance to meet Pearl, but our very first meeting and conversation was about her: MESA 2014, when her sitter sent you pics to report Pearl was doing fine. You showed her cute picture to me and that is how we started our first meeting. She will carry your love with her. May her love and good happy memories bring you some peace.

Claudia jaan, so sorry aziz. What a beautiful remembrance of Pearl.

Dear Claudia, I am so terribly sorry. May her memory be for a blessing.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Oh my dear, I am sorry. She was so cute.

Pearl is one of the most well-behaved darlings I’ve met. I know nothing will heal the pain of losing a furiend. But it’s okay to not feel okay and she’ll be there with you in other forms.

[No text]

My heart goes out to you, Claudia jan. She will be remembered with love.

I have this picture of Pearl and Lucky when we visited you guys in August of 2021.

You two together were one BIG thing.

Dear Claudia,
Pearl’s life is not gone; it is still actively shaping who you are and how you love. The bond you shared continues to live through you.

I am so sorry, Claudia. You gave Pearl such a good life and I know that she brought so much joy to your life. I am glad that you had each other for the time that you did. I know all too well how hard it is and I’m sorry.

Dear Claudia,
I’m so sorry for your loss. She was your blessing and you were hers. Pearl was very fortunate to have had you as her human mommy. Her memory, her warmth, her every detail will live forever in your heart. May you find comfort in the thought that you did everything in your hands to prolong her life and wellbeing.
A big hug to you during this difficult time. Please reach out if there is anything I could do for you.

So very sorry to hear about sweet Pearl. I remember when you got her. She had an extraordinary life because of you. Thinking of you. Hugs.

Dr. Yaghoobi, I am so, so sorry. She was so loved by you and had such a wonderful life because of you!

If she had the language to say it, she would have told you how much you meant to her and how grateful she was for having you as her human in her life. Her memory will live forever. Sending a big hug. The pain is unbearable. I know it very well.

I’m so sorry, Claudia jan. I regret that I didn’t get to meet her, but I know she had the best mom.

I am so sorry for your loss, Claudia jan. I am glad she lived with the love you gave her.

I’m so sorry, my friend. I know how heartbroken you are. So much love shared between you two. Sending you big hugs.

So sorry for this painful loss. I remember how sweet she was — truly a special girl. You gave her a wonderful life, which I hope gives you some comfort. But I know how painful it is.

My friend, I am sorry that I cannot be there. Pearl will always be on your and my minds. Please take good care of yourself.

So sorry. Very painful but good memories of her stay with you.

Oh no! So, so sorry for your loss…

…I know how hard it is….

Deeply sad for your loss, Claudia jan. She will be remembered.

Thinking of you.

So sorry for your loss!

Sending you a BIG hug.

Sorry for your loss.

I am very sorry for your loss. Please accept my condolences.

Sorry for your loss.

I’m very sorry to hear!

Deepest condolences, Claudiajan!

My condolences, Claudia Jan. When one of my two beloved cats died we had the most beautiful ceremony. They are in animal heaven.

Sorry for your loss, Claudia jan. I can feel your sorrow with my whole heart, azizam.

I’m so sorry for your loss, Claudia. They bring us so much joy and ask for so little in return; it’s so hard to lose them.

Goodbye sweet Pearliee!

I’m sorry for your loss, Claudia.

My sincere condolences, Claudia Jan!

Claudia, I’m so sorry.

So sorry for your loss, Claudia.

I am so sorry to hear this…

I am sorry for your loss.

So very sorry for your loss. May her memory be a blessing.

Sorry to hear that.

Oh no, I’m sorry for your loss, cuz jan.

I’m so sorry for your loss, Claudia! I’m torn lately with my cat’s condition worsening. I can’t imagine the pain of losing him. I hope the sweet memories with Pearl give you comfort in this difficult time. Sending you hugs.

So sorry for your loss.

So sorry, Claudia jan.

Oh no!! So sorry.

I am very sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss, dearest Claudia. I know how hard it is. But she will be remembered…

I am so, so sorry for your loss, Claudia Jan!

Oh my dear friend. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Pearl was a great dog and she could not have asked for a better human to spend her life with. You were so supportive when I had to say goodbye to Baldwin. So if there is any way that I can be helpful to you in this time of sorrow, I will jump at the opportunity.

I am so sorry, Dr. Yaghoobi.

Azizam, I don’t know what to say.

Oh Claudia! My deepest condolences! So sorry!

I am so very sorry! She was so loved.

I am so, so sorry, Claudia Jan!

My sincere condolences, Claudia. There are few things as wonderful as a dog’s unconditional love, and I know the two of you shared a uniquely special bond.

I don’t think I met Pearl, but I know how much she meant to you and remember when you got her. You have my condolences, Doc.

I am so sorry for your loss, Dr. Yaghoobi. I have not known you for long but I can easily tell you were the absolute best dog mom to Pearl.

Oh Claudia 😢 I am so sorry for your loss. 🫂🫂🫂 I can imagine how heartbroken you are. I hope that your memories with Pearl will carry you strong and give you the comfort of knowing your pain now is because you loved. 💔 I remember when we met up in London all those years ago, you had recently gotten her and your parents were dog sitting for you. You talked about how much you missed her and couldn’t wait to go home and see her 🤍🤍

Claudia jan I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. Losing a dog is losing family and I know that pain all too well.
When I lost Daisy, it felt like a piece of my heart went with her. The house was quieter, the routines felt different, and there was an emptiness that words couldn’t really explain. So please know that whatever you’re feeling right now — the sadness, the shock, even the waves of grief that come out of nowhere — it’s completely normal. Your sweet Pearl was so lucky to have you. The love, care, and devotion you gave meant everything. Dogs may not stay with us for our whole lives, but to them we are their whole life. And Pearl lived a life filled with love.
Be gentle with yourself. Grieve in your own way and in your own time. I’m here for you not just because you’re my cousin, but because I truly understand this kind of heartbreak. If you need to talk, cry, or just sit in silence, I’m right here.
Sending you so much love and a big hug. 🤍😢

کلودیای عزیزم خیلی متاسف شدم خبر فوت پرل را خوندم. 😢 الان نبودش سخته ولی امیدوارم یاد و خاطراتش همیشه لبخند روی لبت بنشونه💔 برات آرزوی صبر دارم کلودیای عزیزم

I’m so sorry Claudia. Losing a close friend is heartbreaking 💔 we love deep and wildly, furry friends and all.

Claudia jan, I’m so sorry for your loss. Pearl was such a sweetheart, patient and loving dear. Your heart expanded that much more with her and now she is a part of you, a bigger love that will always remain whole and precious, just like the Sweet Pearl she is ❤️🩵❤️

Love you Pearl 💙 you’ll always be my favorite dog 🐶

I’m so sorry for your loss Claudia jan, feeling the pain. 💔

Oh darling. 😢😢

I’m so sorry Claudia 💔

Oh I am so sorry for your loss 😢

I am so sorry, Claudia. I never met Pearl, but I could tell she was special and very special to you.

Awww dear Claudia 😢😢😢 I am so so sorry for your loss 💔🥀 May beautiful Pearl rest in peace 💔 Sending you lots of love and hugs 🫂🫂🫂

I’m truly sorry for your loss. I know no words can fill the space Pearl left behind…

Sorry for your loss Claudia jan 😢😢

Oh no! I’m sooo sooo sorry Claudia jaan! Sending you love from afar 💛💚❤️🩷💜💙🩵

I am so sorry for this great loss, Claudia. Your words and these images awakened my 16-year old grief…

I am so sorry to hear it! Please accept my condolences 💐😔🖤

I am so sorry for your loss azizam 😢😢

So sorry for your loss 😢🩵

I am so sorry for your loss Claudia jan… sweet Pearl 😥😥💔💔

I know how hard it is to part with one’s heart dog…

So sorry to hear that Dr. Yaghoobi 😢🖤

So sorry, Claudia jan! 🖤

😢 so sorry for your loss of dear Pearl 😢 I’m glad you had her in your life.

I am so sorry for this big loss 💔💔💔

So sorry 😢❤️

😢 I am so sorry my dear for your loss

So sorry you’re going through this, Claudia jan! Pearl was so lucky to have you! 💔😢🥀🐾

Claudia Jaan, I am so sorry you are going through this loss…

I am so sorry for your loss Claudia jan

Love you Pearl ❣️

I’m so sorry, Claudia jaan 💔💔 I’m thinking of you 💔

Oh I am so sorry 😢

😢😢😢

Poor baby 😢❤️❤️ sending so much love

So sorry 😢

🖤😢

I’m so sorry she’s gone, Claudia. She was the cutest, best girl ❤️

I am so sorry for your loss ♥️♥️♥️♥️

I am soooooo sorry for your loss, Claudia…

I am so sorry for your loss 💔😢

واقعا متاسفم… خیلی سخته… 🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭😭

I’m so sorry. Thinking of you.

I’m so sorry, Claudia. Sweet Pearl! She will forever be in your heart ❤️

🖤😢

So sorry, Claudia 😢

I am imagining your grief. Immense.

😪💔

Oh Claudia jaan… I am so sorry! 😞 sending you love and hugs ♥️

💔

💔💔💔

An amazing tribute to precious Pearl…

❤️❤️❤️❤️

Oh my God! I’m speechless! I’m so sorry for your loss Claudia…

Honoring Her Through Ritual

I am an Eastern Orthodox Christian, and in that tradition, we remember the departed on the third day, the seventh day, the fortieth day, and on anniversaries. These days mark stages in the soul’s journey and give the living moments to pause, remember, and pray.

I decided to honor Pearl using that structure.

The Third Day

On the third day after she passed, I lit a candle. I spoke to Pearl out loud about my grief, my love for her, and what she meant to my life. I wrote a reflection about losing her and about the love we shared for over a decade.

There was something deeply healing about acknowledging the loss intentionally instead of trying to move past it too quickly.

The Seventh Day

On the seventh day, I turned to a text that has shaped much of my intellectual and spiritual life: Farid ud-Din ’Attar’s Conference of the Birds.

Years ago, I wrote my first book about this masterpiece of Persian Sufi literature. In the poem, birds embark on a journey through seven valleys: stages of transformation that include love, loss, annihilation, and ultimately the discovery of a deeper truth.

On Pearl’s seventh day, I wrote a reflection called “Walking ‘Attar’s Seven Valleys with Pearl.” (click here)

It felt right. Her life and her departure had carried me through my own valleys of love, devotion, vulnerability, and transformation.

The Fortieth Day

On the fortieth day, I will honor Pearl in a way that feels deeply meaningful to me.

I am establishing “Pearl’s Care Fund” at her veterinary clinic.

The purpose of the fund is to help pet parents who cannot afford the medical expenses needed to care for their animals. Too many people face heartbreaking decisions when they cannot pay for treatment.

If Pearl’s memory can help even one family keep their beloved pet longer — or prevent someone from having to euthanize simply because of cost — then her love will continue to live in the world.

I am not ready to bring another dog into my life yet. But creating this fund allows me to honor Pearl while helping other animals.

A Week of Staying Home

During the first week after her passing, I did not leave the house.

In some ways, it resembled the Jewish mourning practice of sitting shiva. I stayed in the space where Pearl had lived. I remained surrounded by her energy, her scent, her presence.

It felt important not to rush away from that.

Grief asks for time. And sometimes it asks us to sit still.

Creating Through Grief

During that first week, I also found myself turning toward artistic expression.

I painted two paintings.

One of them I gave as a gift from Pearl to her veterinarian — the person who cared for her throughout her life and helped guide us through her final days.

Creating art allowed my grief to move through my hands and onto the canvas. It became another way of honoring her.

What Pearl Is Still Teaching Me

Even in her physical absence, Pearl continues to teach me.

She is teaching me to receive love.

She is teaching me that vulnerability is not weakness but courage.

And she is reminding me that love does not disappear when a life ends — it changes form.

Pearl’s Message After She Passed

After Pearl passed, I asked Marianne Soucy to do another Sacred Spirit Journey—this time to connect with Pearl after her transition.

Before I received Marianne’s written message, something curious happened. My sister sent me a short video on February 24. When I watched it, something about it felt deeply aligned with Pearl. At the time, I didn’t fully understand why, but later, when Marianne’s message arrived on March 1, I was stunned to see how closely the imagery in the message matched what my sister had sent me.

The message Marianne shared came from a Sacred Spirit Journey conducted on February 22. In it, Pearl describes herself as an “angel dog” and speaks about the nature of the love she shares with me.

At the beginning of the journey, Pearl introduces herself in a way that moved me deeply:

“Angel love, that’s me. I am Claudia’s little angel, a connection to the Divine, and my love for Claudia is angelic and Divine in its nature.”

In the vision Marianne describes, Pearl appears radiant, with small angel wings, flying through a bright sky surrounded by white butterflies. The butterflies eventually gather together and form a large white angel before Pearl arrives to greet me.

The day Pearl passed, I spent hours cuddling with her and singing to her about her transition. I told her that the angels would come and take her to heaven, and that she’d be a good girl there until Mommy comes to her — just like our little contract every time I left home while she was alive.

What struck me most was the message Pearl gave about her passing. She reassured me that she had been prepared and that she was at peace, and when she appears in the vision, she is surrounded by the angels:

“I was prepared. …. I was at peace when I passed, and I am at peace now. The Light is my natural home in spirit; very familiar to me.”

She also reminded me of something that every grieving pet parent needs to hear:

“Remember too all the fun we had. The joyful times. Let yourself feel and experience joy and share it with me, for I am close and would love to share in your joy.”

In the journey, Pearl leaves me with a symbolic gift—a crystal filled with rainbows—and tells me to notice beauty around me: flowers, colors, moments of joy. These, she says, can be ways she continues to send messages and greetings.

Whether someone believes in animal communication or not, the experience brought me something I desperately needed in the early days of grief: peace.

The message ends with a simple but powerful reassurance:

“Trust that I am with you, even when you cannot see me.”

What I Took From This Experience

For me, the message was not about proving anything supernatural. It was about love.

It reminded me that the bond we share with our animals does not simply vanish when their bodies fail. The relationship changes form, but the connection remains.

Pearl was my companion for almost twelve years. She was my witness, my constant presence, my سنگ صبور—my patient stone who absorbed my sorrows. And even now, in ways I cannot always explain, she still feels close.

A Visitation from Pearl

Pearl passed on February 16.

On the night of March 5, she visited me in a dream. Nothing extraordinary—just a normal moment like so many we shared. She came to me and asked to go outside, and I opened the door for her so she could go into the backyard, just like always.

The following night, March 6, I woke up in the middle of the night because I heard her bark.

The next morning, I woke up feeling happy. But when I saw her picture and began talking to her, the reality of her absence came back, and I started wailing. I have kept small clippings of her fur, and sometimes I reach for them so I can feel them in my hand, as if I were petting her.

Even though she is no longer here beside me physically, the love and the everyday moments we shared still live quietly in my heart. And I hang onto the hope for more visitations.

For Other Pet Parents

If you are grieving a beloved animal companion, please know this:

Your grief is real.
Your love is real.
And there is no “correct” way to mourn.

But sometimes creating small rituals — lighting a candle, writing reflections, honoring specific days, creating something in their memory — can give grief a shape. It can help transform pain into remembrance, and remembrance into love that continues.

Pearl gave me over eleven years of beautiful life.

Now, in her absence, she is still teaching me how love transforms us.